I've been in all sorts of strange moods lately. Well, that's a bit of an understatement. I haven't really had any moods until yesterday when the only thing on my mind finally wasn't pain. But first thing is first, my back is a hot mess. Last Tuesday I couldn't take the pain anymore, so I broke down and decided to go to the ER. Nothing came up on the x-rays, so they told me to see an Orthopedic, shot me with a pain killer, gave me a prescription for pain killers, and sent me on my merry way. I decided I wouldn't go back to school until I saw the doctor and had an MRI--Wednesday was a snow day and Thursday I couldn't get any appointments (as usual). Friday was finally the day I had an MRI and it seemed that each day my mobility was decreasing even with the aid of a muscle relaxant and pain killer cocktail.
Fast forward to Sunday. I could barely walk. Standing was no longer my comfort position and trying to lie down was like problem solving. I literally spent five minutes trying to bend over and get something out of my backpack, when finally I went into Chelsea's room, woke her up, and asked her to get my backpack for me. I was expecting to make my way back to classes Monday, but around 10:00PM I went to stand up and I had the worse spasm ever. I started bawling my eyes out in pain and called my mom (the only plausible solution at the time) and she picked me up from New Brunswick. Since then, I have been camping out on the couch with the dogs, because I couldn't handle the extra flight of stairs and to be honest the rest has been helping. Yesterday I started sitting down for longer than 5 minutes at a time and getting up from lying down is much easier. However, there's still pain, I'm slow, and I have to remember to stand up from my seated position often.
And my MRI results were in yesterday. I have bulging discs, which are causing the pain in my legs and my solutions are physical therapy, or an epidural in my spine. I am opting for the PT before anything crazy. I was so afraid that I might need surgery because if this is what bulging discs feel like, I can't imagine the pain an actual slipped disc might cause.
In a sense, I deserve this. My back has been hurting me since before I left Italy and when I came home, but still I pushed myself and I have been pushing myself ever since and ignoring the pain, because generally it eventually goes away. Now, I have to live like a recovering injured person--no working out for now, no climbing, no lifting, and lots of rest. So I am probably also going to stop working nights at the rock wall, because after a day of classes, I'm going to need to vegetate and I'm going to have to make time for PT.
Now that I finally have a moment to myself to think and to rest and more importantly time that isn't occupied by the searing image of pain, I absolutely hate it. The reason I was so busy in the first place was to divert my attention away from anything feelings or thoughts that might be trapped in my head and now it seems like they're all coming at me full force.
I suppose this is my queue to start over and do things right.
But I can't help asking: when will things start looking up?
